I’m going to try something I’ve never done before.

I’m going to review a movie I’ve never seen.

First of all, I’ve never watched a sequel that was as good as the original. Okay, Godfather III was pretty good, but still loses the race to The Godfather by a horse head. You may laugh now. A lot of people cried at Toy Story 3. I don’t understand why some sequels use sticks while others rely on numbers. Then there’s Caddyshack 2, which was not a movie but pure blasphemy.

Now, we have 22 Jump Street.

It’s the worst movie I’ll never see.

Ok, let’s be fair. It’s among the worst movies I’ll never see. I’m absolutely certain that Adam Sandler has churned out a few nauseating beauties that might just sink a little deeper in the Hollywood swill. I wrote him off after Mr. Deeds took seven years off of my life.

22 Jump Street features the same, ummmm, actors that appeared in the classic 21 Jump Street. Jonah Hill was plump and hilarious in Super Bad. It seems with every pound he sheds, he loses a laugh. He comes across as a total sellout. I’d never seen anyone sleepwalk until his performance in 21 Jump Street. And Channing Tatum. What a stiff. I swear he’s made of brick and mortar. He can’t possibly have a pulse. If they pay him per heartbeat, he’ll starve.

21 Jump Street proved without question that Hollywood has run out of ideas.

Then comes 22 Jump Street.

Shockingly, many professional critics have given this movie a thumbs up. They applaud 22 Jump Street for being “self-aware.” I think I know what they mean. You know after you exercise how you sit in a cloud of body odor hoping your girlfriend is either sitting at a safe distance or her sinuses are clogged? I think they mean that kind of self-aware.

The critics claim 22 Jump Street is unafraid to make fun of itself.

That must have been easy.

I think I know the problem. I’ve slipped into bizarro world. Up is down. Wet is dry. 50 is the new 30. Golf on television is interesting. And we get this from one critic: “Channing Tatum has blossomed into a huge comedic force.”

Wow. I think Rush Limbaugh just voted for a Democrat.

Maybe I’m just getting old. Then again, I hold the Jackass movies in high esteem. So, there’s that. I had high hopes for 21 Jump Street. Johnny Depp. Cheesy 1980’s TV show. Great opportunity for camp and circumstance. It seems the creators just mailed it in. 22 Jump Street has the same premise, the same actors, the same directors. Asking me to see this movie would be like telling me to use a different knife to carve out my other eye.

Of course, if I did that, there’s no chance I would ever see another Adam Sandler movie.